Bipolar (I start out fine then I rant!)

Heeeey! November went by just like that, and I'm both happy and sad about it. Happy because it means it's almost my favorite time of the year (I love Christmas month better than my birth month) and sad because I only had one post for the previous month. I can't have any more excuses now since the internet connection in the dorm still hasn't failed me, and since I haven't been too busy with my acads yet. (Well, I will be this weekend, especially that I got three scheduled exams next week!) It's just that I started to be active on Twitter (follow me: @rhenabundo), then there's my Tumblr (follow me still haha: rhenaissance.tumblr.com), and Facebook. I am lately not into movies though I have already finished the MTV series "Awkward" which my orgmates told me about. And of course my usual dose of The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, and How I Met Your Mother. Have I told you I've been watching Downton Abbey? It's a good series, you should watch (if you love period dramas, this is made for you)! Sadly, Series 3 is to air next year. That long wait which I hate. And love, at the same time. :)) So, while trying to forget my anxiety over Downton (which I watched to amuse myself while waiting for Sherlock and Game of Thrones second seasons), I tried a British mini-series, "Any Human Heart," mainly because Matthew Macfadyen is in it. Now that I'm all finished with it, "Once Upon A Time" is next.

(How did we arrive in this topic again? Haha. I'm sorry I have this habit of blabbing and topics branching out until I lose track of what point I am really trying to make.)

Okay. So I was telling you, I am somehow disappointed of myself for not keeping the goal I have set for myself, which is to constantly post new entries. My past attempts on blogging had failed and I don't want this to end up like those. Another reason why I am writing this entry because I was inspired by the new blogs I have been reading. Oh, how I wish to be like them! Their life seems so... interesting! I just can't help but admire the scope of things they can talk about. And the time and devotion they had given to keep their blogs updated. And each one's unique way of writing!

I told you I don't have any more excuses now. But I have a few things in mind which usually prevent me from "going for it".

One. Although I think my writing style is what I can call my own, I find it boring. I can get too verbose.
Two. I overthink. I am too critical of myself. I always feel that I am never interesting enough.
Three. Maybe I don't actually write for myself. Maybe all the to-cross-one-thing-from-my-bucketlist reason is just one way to cover up my real reason for blogging. Maybe, just maybe, the real reason is about how others will start to view me. Do I have low self-esteem? Maybe.

They say a man's essential need is the recognition from others. This applies greatly to me, I think. Either that, or I am just too vain.

Secret to Happiness

It's been over a month since I last posted! And now that I will soon have to say bye-bye to my fast internet connection (I'm transferring to dorm from bhaus so that means hello mabagal na Dilnet!), I might as well blog again. 

Well, what has been going on? Hmm, lemme see. The second semester started last week and I have already met with all of my new professors. Instincts tell me this is going to be one tough time in my life but I am ready to face it since I have also started confiding with the Lord since Nov 5th. I have been praying St. Bridget's prayer: The Fifteen Prayers Secret to Happiness for almost two weeks now and it feels so comforting despite the somewhat bleak future ahead. I have noticed good changes in myself since I started praying and it does make me really happy.

During the first day, I found myself praying for my sins, my worries, and my cares as if I have perfect knowledge of them all. In the past, I would just stare blankly at the wall, lost in thought what I am about to say to Him. On the second day, I was placed in a situation where I would normally be annoyed to my landlady because she plans to transfer my bed to the top bunk because according to her, the bottom bunk already belongs to my roommate who just arrived this second semester. I was tempted to ignore my new roommate because I feel like she's part of this "injustice." But then after I prayed, I just smiled at her and we started talking. That night--and until now--she remains at the top bunk. Maybe she convinced our landlady not to transfer her bed anymore. Who knows? That same day, I also learned that I wasn't accepted in the dorm. It felt like I just calmly accepted all of it. I wasn't mad at OSH at all. The third day was just a happy day. It was Bennard's 20th birthday and we truly enjoyed our every moment together. On the fourth day, I almost had a quarrel with Bennard. I was being the selfish person that I am again and he pointed this out to me. Because I got offended, I was tempted to do the thing I always do: escape and flee. But then for some reason, maybe Bennard's patience or some clarity I later had in my head, I didn't. We separated ways that night in good terms. On the fifth day, I learned that a new list of accepted dormers will be posted the next day at the OSH, and I am feeling lucky! Indeed, the next day, I was accepted--and there's a twist! While I was expecting Sampa or Kamia as my new dorm (I checked non-single fee dorm thinking there would be greater chances of being accepted in there), I got admitted to Ilang-Ilang (a single-fee dorm which means my food for weekdays is already provided for!) And my happiness for the sixth day does not yet end in that--I was able to add another subject: MBB1, making me 18 units this sem, and change the schedule for my ChE 131 to my desired date and time! Weeeee, Mae and I are classmates again! :-) 

This joy I am currently experiencing means a great deal for me. I wasn't being my usual self the past sem and I so much wanted to change that this time. I want to stop worrying about the simplest things. I want to avoid getting too down at the slightest circumstances. I want to live happily and worry-free. I know life will throw shit at me, but I want to know that I will be able to bounce back gracefully from that. Now, I found the secret weapon--lots of prayers and of course, my wonderful support system. With all these, I feel happier and less inclined to succumbing to my depressing thoughts again. I still may not have gotten rid of my worldly desires but I know I am beginning to learn to control. You know, the other day, I was craving for Shakey's buffalo wings and I was aware it will leave a gaping hole in my wallet in case I gave in, but then I thought of heating the meat I brought from home. And voila, I was satisfied! Good save, right?

I hope everyone's as happy as I am. :-)